The "something interesting" I found was a blog entry from a previous blog I thought I would be continuing with, dated May 24th, approximately 2 weeks before I would leave for the Peace Corps. As volunteers, we constantly reminisce about what our expectations were before we actually realized them arriving in country. Most of us, if not all, have a very hard time remembering what they were. We all concur we were such a tangled cornucopia of emotions that it was impossible to describe just one...nervous, excited, terrified, confused...etc. People would constantly ask, "Wow, leaving so soon? How do you feel?" I remember the blankess that would come over my mind upon that question, usually responding with, "I have absolutely no idea," which in turn would leave the questioner in a state of blank confusion as well. I think the one person who may have been able to discern based solely on my constant black outs from contemplation, and necessity for showers because of the overwhelmingess of receiving my invitation finally would be my best friend and former roommate Kelli Brechbuhler. Even though she could just tell most of the time how I was feeling, I am still pretty sure she never got a solid answer when asked. Ask me how I feel now, I would say the exact same thing. I wanted to publish this previous post I entitled "The First Last", named such because at that point I was literally invoicing everything I was doing that would be the last time for two years. Some of them turned out to be wrong, others were certainly right. Driving my car, drinking a beer on my front porch with my best friends. Walking my dog, you get the picture. Here's a little perspective for you to marinate on.
May 24th, 2012
"The First Last"
The last time crawling into my middle-sloped mattress at 451 Reinhard Avenue, in my home for the last two years, in Buckeye country, Columbus, Ohio. It seems reasonably comfortable, per usual. But above all, it just fits. It's clearly been conformed to my exact sleeping regiment, and it hugs me like a comfortable pair of spanks. I position my usual line-up of pillows just right. My dog Fletcher instantly starts pawing at me to do my routine lift of the blankets for him to burrow into oblivion, and eventually start kicking me in the face with his dreams of squirrels and wet food. But I love it here. I love and loathe thinking about all the times I've slinked into this soon to be pile of garbage with thoughts that will either keep me awake or let me sleep soundly. Thoughts of either triumph or regret, embarassment or victory. It's strange to remember/acknowledge what exactly are the last thoughts you have before you sleep. Why these thoughts? The times you think, "Why the fuck am I thinking about that?". Some which seem so mundane and innocuous, but somehow they can't be, if these are the last sentiments you wish to relive (even if you wish you could give them back) before you let yourself slip into a R.E.M. cycle. Sometimes, most of the time in fact, we all know thats another person. Until one day it's not...it's just yourself. Yourself that you're evaluating and re-evaluating...what you could have done, couldn't have done, or for me mostly, what's going to happen now? What is ahead of me? Sure, I'm well informed about what I'm doing...I've been immersed in the Peace Corps and as much as it has to offer to a person pre-service as one can be. I know I am moving to Peru. And that is about the extent of it. I will change, a lot. The people I know now I may not know as well after, big and small events will take place. But I have no idea what to expect for ME. Because I am sure the thoughts I have at bedtime now, are very different from the thoughts I will have then. And I can't wait to find out. Guess it's one to sleep on.
"The people I know now I may not know as well after, big and small events will take place."- My best friend of almost 12 years is expecting her first child, found out 15 days after I left the country. My other best friend, had her first. Yes, things have been missed. And I still don't know what to expect of me, of anything, or how I feel. Sleep on it again, I guess?
Vamos a ver, brahs.